The Chinese zodiac got it wrong -- 2012 is not the Year of the Dragon, it's the Year of the Comeback.
Granted, the music scene seldom lacks artists trying to claw back to the toppermost of the poppermost. But lately, there are so many on the comeback trail it needs a passing lane.
The most recent offenders, of course, are The Spice Girls. For those who missed it, Ginger, Scary, Dopey, Curly and Tinky-Winky emerged from their Austin Powers freeze-drying chambers to ask us what we really really want for the umpteen millionth time at the Olympics closing ceremonies (what I really really wanted? To see those cabs they were riding explode).
The Spice cadets are hardly unique, sadly. We've already seen comebacks this year by everyone from Neil Young and Crazy Horse to The Tea Party, Stone Roses and Refused. And there's plenty more due this fall, thanks to new albums from No Doubt, Alanis Morissette, Nelly Furtado, Ben Folds Five, Aerosmith, Soundgarden, Platinum Blonde and others.
As usual, though, the artists you'd actually like to hear from again never seem to show up. Here are six comebacks that really would spice up our life:
ABBA
Last Heard: Dancing off into the sunset after 1981's The Visitors, their own personal musical Waterloo.
Why We Need Them: To add some melody to modern EDM, which often displays all the musicality of a malfunctioning dial-up modem.
Key to Success: Fitting into their old costumes.
Likelihood: Poor. In 2000, they famously turned down a $1 billion to tour. So unless Bill Gates or Warren Buffet is upping that ante, we're SOL.
David Bowie
Last Heard: Ziggy ditched fame and embraced his golden years after his Reality album in 2003.
Why We Need Him: Because he's David Freaking Bowie -- and last time we checked, no one has even come close to replacing him.
Key to Success: Just show up and sing, dude. That's all we ask.
Likelihood: Poor. Bowie is rumoured to have battled health issues since going into seclusion/retirement/whatever. So don't hold your breath for the return of the thin white duke.
Justin Timberlake
Last Heard: Making with the freak-freak on 2006's FutureSex/LoveSounds -- unless you count SNL digital shorts like D--- in a Box.
Why We Need Him: It's time for some XY-chromosome posters to counterbalance the estrogen wave of RiRi, Katy, Carly Rae and Bieber.
Key to Success: Three words -- Bring. Sexy. Back.
Likelihood: Fair. As recently as last week, JT denied he was working on a "crazy" new album. So you know he totes is.
OutKast
Last Heard: On the eclectic and inconsistent Idlewild soundtrack back in 2006 -- though Big Boi and Andre 3000 have touched base on a cut or two since.
Why We Need Them: Because neither one of these codependent geniuses seems able to close successfully on his own.
Key to Success: Whatever the heck they were on when they made masterpieces like Stankonia and Speakerboxx/The Love Below.
Likelihood: Unknown. Neither seems especially opposed to the idea -- or particularly enthused about it.
Triumph
Last Heard: Plunging over the Edge of Excess in 1993 -- though Rik Emmett, Mike Levine and Gil Moore are on good terms.
Why We Need Them: To lay some CanCon power-trio might on the line against all those aging American rockers.
Key to Success: Levine's moustache. Oh, and enough pyro to scare Rammstein.
Likelihood: Good. They reunited at the Sweden Rock Festival in 2008 (the CD/DVD is out Aug. 28).
Fugazi
Last Heard: Settling things after The Argument in 2001.
Why We Need Them: To save punk rock from being diluted and sold to Hot Topic once and for all.
Key to Success: Reconnecting with the passion and intelligence that fuelled post-hardcore manifestos like Repeater and Red Medicine.
Likelihood: Possible. Though it sure won't be for the money -- the Washington punks were famous for their $5 tickets and $10 albums.
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